Go Lightly? Not Hardly

I told you at the end of yesterday's entry that today I would talk about my colonscopy experiences.  I hesitated about this, because I didn't want anyone to skip what is a very important procedure on account of what they might read here.  After a few moments reflection, I realized that if anyone was chicken enough to forego one because of my description, they'd find another excuse if I didn't write this.  And, I feel I'm doing everyone who sucks it up and goes through with a service by telling them what to expect and lightening what can be a rather dismal mood.  If you've had one of these amazing invasions of privacy, nothing I say will be new to you.  But, hopefully, you'll get a chuckle out of it.

If you live under a rock and haven't heard of a colonscopy, according to the American Heritage Science Dictionary it's the "Inspection of the interior surface of the colon with a flexible endoscope that is equipped to obtain tissue samples and inserted through the rectum."  Another definition I saw mentioned that it was "minimally invasive".  Listen, someone sticking a long, lighted tube with a camera up your butt and displaying the take on a monitor for everyone in the room to see is anything but "minimally invasive".  However, to be honest, the procedure itself is a piece of cake.  You're asleep, what's hard about that?  No, it's all the stuff beforehand that makes you crazy. 

First, if they're going to see anything inside you're colon, it's got to be cleaned out.  There are two ways to do this.  Option number one: an enema, consisting of soap and water, will be administered.  This is generally done only when they're in a hurry.  Now, if you're unfamiliar with an enema, that's where the mixture described above is introduced into the intestinal tract.  Wikipedia says "The increasing volume of the liquid causes rapid expansion of the lower intestinal tract, often resulting in very uncomfortable bloating, cramping, powerful peristalsis, a feeling of extreme urgency and complete evacuation of the lower intestinal tract."  All I can say is yes...it...does.  And, yes, it's just as bad as it sounds.  But, it has advantages over the second option, because it's over relatively quickly.  Option number 2, and by far this is the more common method, is the administration of a laxative or whole bowel irrigation.  I've done both and they both suck.  The laxative is usually something like Fleet Phoso Soda or magnesium citrate, generally two bottles of either.  Drink these vile concoctions and, in about 6 hours, you'll get results.  Pretty good results, too.  If you've never understood the phrase "go through you like a dose of salts", you will after this.  But, these little jewels pale in comparision to "whole bowel irrigation".  This accomplishes the same thing as the laxative, but in a much more dramatic fashion.  In this fun big bag of fun, you get to drink what amounts to a gallon jug of a substance called GoLytely or CoLyte mixed with water.  My counsel is if either of these is mentioned, then in the words of the immortal Jerry Clower, "Gather your split tail gown around and go hide in the nearest swamp".  There is nothing good about what's going to happen.  When you take that first drink, make sure you have unrestricted access to the toilet.  Because, when this stuff kicks in, it kicks with a vengence.  Most likely, once it starts, you won't be getting up again.  And, it can last up to 4 hours to get the job done.  Four hours on the john?  No, thank you.  Unfortunately, I'm experienced with this abomination, too.  But, not in the normal fashion.  You know how I said I had colon cancer 3 years ago?  Well, when the tumor blocked me up, my colon got so distended that, after removing the bad section, they couldn't put the ends back together right away.  Until they could, I had a colostomy bag.  That's where they one end of your colon and run it out your abdominal wall and it terminates in a bag.  Talk about fun!  You just think it's nasty going to the toilet.  Try looking at it every time you empty and clean out the bag.  Anyway, I was having some more constipation problems and they wanted to do a colonoscopy to see what was going on in there.  I was dehydrated and in pretty rough shape, so they admitted me to the hospital.  The night before my procedure, a nurse walked in with big jug of what looked like water.  She set on my bed tray and said "This is GoLytely.  You need to drink 8 ounces of this, alternating with 8 ounces of water, every 15 minutes until it's gone."  Now, I knew what it was and what it did, but I wasn't prepared for what was coming.   It took a while for it to start working (I'd almost finished it, which is rare), but when it did, whoa!  It was so forceful, it filled up the bag, blew it off my stomach and dumped a bunch into the bed.  The nurses came in, cleaned me up, changed the bed and, in about 5 minutes, it did the same thing again.  And, yet again after that.  But, the third time was the charm and things settled down after that.  Now, I'm not saying your experience will be this extreme.  Probably not, but after reading this anything else should seem tame in comparison.

Okay, you've done your prep and you're at the G.I. doctor's office.  The nurse comes out and takes you to a room where you change into a lovely hospital gown.  You know, the one where you walk around with your bare ass shining for all the world to see.  After that, you're lead into a room that looks like mad scientist lab in a bad horror movie.  A table in the middle, all kinds of evil looking instruments hanging on the wall and a computer monitor that, in your mind, is about four times as large as it needs to be.  I mean, it looks like a big screen TV and you start wondering what they're really going to do while you're asleep.  Nothing good, you're sure.  But, against your better judgment, you climb up on the table and someone sticks a needle in your arm.  Normally, that would be a bad thing, but this time it's not.  Because, that's you're going to get the "happy juice".  And, believe me, you want the "happy juice".  You definitely don't want to be awake for this.  One the nurses tells you to relax and pushes the juice and the next thing you know, it's all done.  If you're awake enough, you'll remember what they tell you about how it went.  But, other than that, you're done.

Now, it's time for recovery.  They will wheel you to the recovery area where whoever brought you is waiting.  You won't even be upset if they're the ones that talked you into doing this, because the happy juice has just made you feel like you've had the best night's sleep of your entire life.  So, while you lay there, waiting for all the sedation effects to wear off, you may notice a touch of flatulence.  Which is a nice way of saying you may be farting like a pack mule.  This is because sometimes, they inject air into your colon so they can see better.  Like everything else in your colon, if it's there, it's got to come out.  Don't feel bad though, you won't be the only one.  And, if your friend/spouse/relative is any kind of decent person, they won't judge you.  If I took my brother, he'd probably join in with me.  Because, let's face it, you should never pass up the chance to fart acceptably.  After you're as close to normal as you're going to get in this life, they'll let you get dressed and go home.  When you get there, take full advantage of the situation.  You deserve it.  The Roto-rooter man was just messing around in your ass.  Don't be afraid to play that card.  Because you have get something decent out of this f--cked up situation.