It's My Story and I'll Tell it the Way I Want

There's new documentary premiering at the South by Southwest film festival called "The People vs George Lucas".  It's about the love/hate relationship between Lucas and fans of his "Star Wars" franchise.  First, I want to talk about what's being said about the documentary.  One reviewer said of this documentary "it is still a well-constructed documentary on the subject of our generation's most inspirational work of fiction."  Excuse me?  Did he say "our generation's most inspirational work of fiction"?  If that's true, it may be one of the saddest things I've ever heard.  There are some people out there who view the Star Wars movies as inspirational.  What most folks don't seem to realize is that these movies are the late 20th and early 21st century equivilent of a Buck Rogers serial.  And, they're about as deep, too.  Don't get me wrong, I love all the Star Wars movies.  But, let's not make them into something they're not.  Fun way to waste an afternoon?  Absolutely.  Inspirational work of fiction?  Not hardly.  If you want to be inspired, try reading the Bible. 

About the actual documentary, this film has been made because a bunch of folks put a lot into a movie that it was never meant to hold (see above paragraph).  Here's a quote from the director, "George Lucas made Star Wars; but it was the fans who turned it into a seemingly undying worldwide phenomenon" 
While that much is true, the problem is these folks feel they own the franchise as much as Lucas does.  In this misconception, they need to be brought up short.  Unless you've sweat over blood over the story, gone without sleep to figure out characterizations and mortgaged everything you own to see it on the big screen, you don't own a damn thing about the story.  And, what is it that has these people so up in arms?  They don't like the direction the story has taken, there are characters they despise (Jar Jar Binks), tweaks he made in the original story and other things.  Here's my take: If you don't like it, don't freakin' watch it!  Quit lining up to see the movies, get rid of your Stormtrooper armor and sell all your action figures and space ships.  Going to see each episode 72 times doesn't qualify you for partial ownership of the story; it qualifies you for the "Get a Damn Life" award. 

When a writer sits down to a blank screen and begins to let his imagination run wild (which actually happens before you sit down), what comes out is uniquely his or hers.  They share it with others for various reasons. Sometimes out of vanity (almost always),  sometimes hoping to make some money out of it (if you're lucky), but mostly because they're unable to do anything else.  To see anyone, much less a bunch of pimply-faced nerds still living in they're mother's basement, try to take any credit at all for someone elses work pisses me off.  Here's an idea for all those who want to tell Mr. Lucas how his story should go: Instead of playing World of Warcraft until the wee hours, write your own story.  Do all the things that you believe Lucas should have and avoid all of his mistakes.  If (not when, it's not that easy) you come up with something worthy of public comsumption, wait for the very people you were hoping to entertain to rip it to shreds with a bunch of ridiculous ideas and inane criticisms.  Then, see how you feel about it.  I suspect you'll agree with me.  It's George's story and he can tell it the way he wants. 

Carrying "Natural" Too Far

I don't know if you've seen the commercials or not, but Wendy's is testing a new recipe for their french fries.  I can understand this, because anyone with half a brain will realize that Wendy's fries suck and McDonald's has the best fries of any fast food joint.  Five Guys and places like that don't count in this equation because they're not "fast".  That, and if I did count them, they'd blow my assumption because Five Guys french fries are freakin' fantastic.  Especially when you drizzle some malt vinegar on them.  But, that's beside the point.  The point is that all other fast food places need to step up their game on the french fry front.  Wendy's has tried to do this.  I don't know if they succeeded or not, because I haven't tried them yet.  And, frankly, that's not what I want to talk about right now.  No, tonight's subject is the commercial.

Let's start with what they're calling them.  The name, "Wendy's Natural-Cut French Fries with Sea Salt".  Okay, seems fine until you take a closer look at it.  The problem comes in the phrase "Natural-Cut".  In the commercial, they actually say, "We take a potato and naturally cut it".  I'm sorry, but I didn't know there was a way to unnaturally cut something.  I mean, you take something with a sharp edge and pass it through whatever it is you need to cut into smaller pieces.  Am I missing something?  Actually, I know what's going on with this.  It's a marketing ploy to to conjure up the image of a bunch of little old ladies standing around a table with kitchen knives slicing up potatoes.  Of course, we all know that's bullshhh..., well, we know what it is.  In reality, these fries are processed in a plant just like any other, the only difference being the skin is left on.  I like french fries with the skin still on, but don't try to b.s. me into thinking they're something they're not.  It won't work and you just sound incredibly stupid. 

Next comes the sea salt part.  There are folks who believe there's a difference between sea salt and table salt.  Gourmets contend that, because of the different mineral content, sea salt tastes better.  Others can't tell the difference.  Some folks believe that sea salt is better for you because it isn't as processed as table salt.  Here's the deal, both table salt and sea salt are mostly sodium and chloride.  Yes, sea salt has some trace minerals that table salt doesn't.  And, the level of iodine naturally occurring in sea salt is negligible, so now most sea salt has iodine added to it.  Which really disposes of the "better for you" argument.  But, the whole sea salt on Wendy's fries is as stupid as the "natural cut" thing.  Because both the reasons for using sea salt, even if you accept that crap, are ridiculous.  I mean, sea salt is a gourmet thing.  Really, on a french fry?  You want to go there?  Come on, that's just silly.  Next up is the "better for you" argument.  IT'S A FREAKIN' FRENCH FRY!  You can't make an argument about putting more "nutritious" salt on something that's cooked in a big vat of grease.  And, IT'S FREAKIN' SALT!!!  I don't think you're going to make a healthy choice either way on that one. 

Natural cut french fries.  With sea salt.  I love it when companies do stuff like that.  This entry practically wrote itself.  I wish they were all this easy.  Hey, maybe these fries will really take off and some other restaurants will come up with even more stupid to compete.  One can only hope.

P.S.  I know I used "freakin" a lot in this post, but I was trying my best not to drop any F bombs.  And, it was hard.  Really hard.

I Hate Spam

Email that is.  I love Spam, the canned meat.  I realize that sounds gross, but it really is tasty.  And, versatile; there are tons of recipes for it.  But, that's another post.  This one's about email and computer stuff.  I'm so freakin' tired of getting crap in my inbox that I do not want, need, care about, am interested in, yadda, yadda, yadda.  Have you ever looked at the spam folder in your email?  It's filled with junk like want ads, web page ads, product ads, etc.  And, every last bit of it is absolute garbage.  And, most of it carries lovely little hitchhikers like tracking cookies and other various bits of spyware.  That pisses me off because it's an invasion of my privacy.  No where but the internet can advertisers do this.  It's like they're putting a spy in your house to see what you're buying.  Bad as this is, though, there's something worse.  The...shall we say, male enhancement ads.  I'm insulted that these jerks who don't even know me presume that I need help in that arena.  As to whether I do or not, that's none of your business!

Another thing that drives me crazy are sites like Facebook and Twitter.  First of all, the arrogance involved in these sites is staggering.  People just assume that you're interested in every little detail of their life and they plaster it all over the internet.  Twitter is the worst.  It's a conglomeration of what people are doing or thinking from moment to moment.  The problem is that what most people think or do from moment to moment is crap.  Think about it for a minute.  Look back over the past couple of hours; see anything worth telling people about?  Maybe once in a while, but every day, all day?  I think not.  Facebook does this too, just not as obnoxiously.  They more than make up for it with all their notifications and invitations.  Let me state for the record that I do not care about what you're doing in Farmville/MafiaWars/CafeWorld etc.  The fact that you got an egg for your aquarium or a cow for farm means almost nothing to me.  I could live with that, but what really chaps me is all the invitations.  I don't play these silly games (I waste more than enough time as it is) and I don't want whatever it is that you're sending me and I am not going to send you anything back.  Don't... waste... your... time.  You can see by the little tirade above that I have a Facebook account.  I also have one on Twitter.  Not that I "tweet" (what a stupid term) a lot, I use it to advertise my blogs.  Yeah, I realize that's arrogant, too.  But, it's different.  Mostly because it's my arrogance. 

I know this is basically an extended rant.  But, there's a method to my madness.  I'm angling for curmudgeon status.  In case you're wondering, a curmudgeon is, the dictionary says it's "An ill-tempered (and frequently old) person full of stubborn ideas or opinions."  By that standard, some would say I'm already there.  But, that definition doesn't really cut it.  I like this quote by Jon Winkour:
"A curmudgeon's reputation for malevolence is undeserved. They're neither warped nor evil at heart. They don't hate mankind, just mankind's absurdities. They're just as sensitive and soft-hearted as the next guy, but they hide their vulnerability beneath a crust of misanthropy. They ease the pain by turning hurt into humor. . . . . . They attack maudlinism because it devalues genuine sentiment. . . . . . Nature, having failed to equip them with a servicable denial mechanism, has endowed them with astute perception and sly wit. 

Curmudgeons are mockers and debunkers whose bitterness is a symptom rather than a disease. They can't compromise their standards and can't manage the suspension of disbelief necessary for feigned cheerfulness. Their awareness is a curse.


Perhaps curmudgeons have gotten a bad rap in the same way that the messenger is blamed for the message: They have the temerity to comment on the human condition without apology. They not only refuse to applaud mediocrity, they howl it down with morose glee. Their versions of the truth unsettle us, and we hold it against them, even though they soften it with humor."

See, it's not so bad, is it?

The Cameron Village Subway (no, not the sandwich place)

Once upon a time, there was a...well, not really magical, place, 'cause in a lot of ways it sucked, but it had it's moments...anyway, this semi-magical land was called the Triangle.  What made it even a little magical was that even though the land was filled with politicians, businesses and money-grubbing yuppies, there was some magnificent music being played somewhere in the area almost every night.  There was the old Cat's Cradle (on Franklin Street in Chapel Hill), The Brewery on Hillsborough Street in Raleigh (where Corrosion of Conformity got their start) and others, but the coolest place in the entire area was the Cameron Village Subway.  Originally modeled on Underground Atlanta, it was supposed to consist of shops, restaurants and bars catering to young professionals.  From the beginning, the Subway was a music mecca.  The first place to bring in the crowds was The Frog and Nightgown, a jazz and folk club that opened when the Subway did in the early 70's.  Thelonius Monk played a ten day stand there once.  Dizzy Gillespie also showed up for a gig.  The Frog was the only place between D.C. and Atlanta that booked jazz acts.  After a while, the shops realized there wasn't enough daytime foot traffic to stay open and, one by one, closed.  In their place, clubs and bars like The Pier, The Bear's Den and Cafe Deja Vu opened.  In one of those weird confluences, an budding indie music scene took wing about the same time.  For a few years, you could hear live, original music all over the place.  R.E.M. played The Pier before they hit the big time.  The Connells were hometown boys and pulled in crowds wherever they played.  There were even some album compilations celebrating the scene.  Mondo Montage I and II and Return to Comboland.  Bands like Arrogance, Glass Moon, The Fabulous Knobs (my personal favorite) and others were featured on the records and in the clubs and it was great! 

Now, there's almost nothing left of those happy days.  The Brewery and the Cradle are still around.  Both are still pretty much the same, even if the Cradle did move to larger digs in Carrboro.  The best part about the move is they remodeled the inside of the new space to be just as much a hole as the old one was.  They even tried to make it look as much the same as possible.  The Brewery is going on 30 years old and,with a few minor cosmetic changes, looks the same as it did when I used to hang out there in 1982.  It was a dump then and it's a dump now.  But, looks were never what it was about.  Good music was.  If it wasn't for The Brewery, CoC may not be around these days.  Back when they were just starting out as fledging punk band, a lot of their fans were below drinking age.  The band talked the owners into having some shows during the day on Saturday and Sunday (sans alcohol) so these kids could see them.  It snowballed from there and now CoC is a nationally known heavy metal band.  But, aside from these two icons, there's not much left.  Maybe some bars that have bands on the weekend, but they're cover bands, with a few exceptions like Terry Anderson's OAKteam (remnants of the Woods and the Knobs).  It's kind of sad, really.  But, for a little while, it was rockin'.

The Root of All Evil?

While looking of something worthy of my time to write about (because, yes I am that good), I ran across an interesting statement.  On a blog called "For what it's worth", Alex Ho said "I still think Country music is a factor on low birth weights".  Like I said, interesting.  But, in my opinion, it doesn't go anywhere near far enough.  I believe Satan has abandoned his plan to corrupt our youth through rock and roll and opted for a much more insidious approach.  Realizing that rock & roll wasn't really effective anymore because kids can't rebel and listen to the same music their parents do, he switched to country music.  That's right, country.  And, he's not using sex, drugs and rock & roll anymore.  Now, here's where it the insidious part comes in.  He's trying to wear down people's resistance with crappy music, moronic lyrics and boring personalities.  In a genre that fostered drinkers like George Jones, pill heads like Johnny Cash and out-and-out white trash like David Allen Coe, we now have banal, white-bread acts like Kenny Chesney, Tim McGraw and Faith Hill and Taylor Swift.  Swift may be the worst of a bad lot, too.  For the longest time, every time I saw her, something just didn't sit right with me.  Then, it dawned on me: her eyes were too far apart.  When I mentioned it my daughter, she said the girl looked like a fish.  Since then, I've been looking for gills on her neck, a fin growing out of her back.  You know, something suitably aquatic.  When she first came out, my oldest daughter was a big fan and tried to sell me on the fact that she wrote her own songs.  It took me all of 30 seconds to realize that some folks need other people to write for them and she's one.  In the song "Love Story", she imagines she's in Romeo and Juliet and it's all romantic and stuff.  I'm not sure what version of the story she read, but it sure doesn't sound like the one I know.  Folks die and families are torn apart.  Ooh, that's romantic all right.

But, she's not the only one.  Between Kenny Chesney's questioned sexuality, Toby Keith's rabid nationalism, Tim McGraw and Faith Hill fawning all over each other in what some call a concert, country music has sunk to an incredible low.  Gone are the blues that were so integral to early country music.  So long soul, too.  You've been replaced with pop themes, bubble gum and sugar.  Hank Williams is spinning in his grave right about now. 

If country music has been taken over by Satan, who's hijacking NASCAR?  Because, the racing I remember as a boy is long gone.  Up north, kid's heroes were baseball and football players.  But, in southern Guilford County NC during the 1960's, every boy wanted to be Richard Petty.  Richard was a hometown boy to us, what with his shop just over the county line in Level Cross.  And, if Richard wasn't your man, it was Cale or Bobby or Donnie.  Guys with last names like Yarborough and Allison and accents like your dad.  Now, it's names like Keselowski, Busch and Montoya.  And, the stars are mealy-mouthed Yankee pretty-boys like Jeff Gordon.  There's no personality left in NASCAR.  People decry the loss of Dale Earnhardt and I miss him too, he was one last links to the real racing of the past.  But, what NASCAR really needs is another Tim Flock.  Flock was as much showman as driver and he excelled at both.  Why do I like Flock so much?  Simple, Jocko Flocko.  Jocko was Tim's mascot, a monkey dressed in a racing suit and a crash helmet,  Flock even took Jocko with him during races.  Well, he did until Jocko got hit with a rock, freaked out and fastened himself to Tim's face and 150 mph.   But, you know what?  Flock brought the car into the pits without hitting anyone or hurting Jocko.  What a hero.

The point I'm making is that I'm watching the South of my boyhood, my South, fade away and I don't like it.  Not...at...all.  I know change is good and all that crap.  But, do we have to dismantle all the good stuff just to have that change?  All the places I used to love to eat at in Greensboro, my hometown, are closing, being torn down or just changing more than I can stand.  I miss the Boar and Castle, the old Stamey's, Bill's Pizza and Beef Burger.  Well, Beef Burger is still around, but I never get to eat there anymore.  So, I'm counting it.  My children say I'm getting old.  I say they better watch out for ants and molasses in their beds.

Come on in

Welcome to my second blogging effort.  Why a second blog, you ask?  Well, the other one is about religious matters and there were things I wanted to write about that I didn't feel were appropriate there.  Plus, I'm hoping to draw readership for the other one.  You see, people that ordinarily wouldn't be caught dead reading something religious will read this and be so smitten by the quality of my writing that they'll have to switch over and read "But, not yet".  That's the plan anyway, we'll see what happens

Am I the only person tired of being strong armed by 8 year old girls selling cookies?  Today, as I was leaving the grocery store, I was accosted by some little thug holding a case of cookies.  I was coming out of the store, relieved to out because I hate shopping on Saturday morning when she jumped out at me and yelled "EXCUSE ME, WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY SOME GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!!!"  It kind of took me surprise.  I mean, who expects some cute little girl to practically knock them down, rifle through their pockets for money and shove a box of cookies in their mouth?  But, I'd seen them on the way in, so I was prepared for her..., I thought.  "No thank you, I already bought some" (which I'm still waiting on) I responded.  Or tried to respond, because about the time I got out "No thank you", she yelled again "WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE A DONATION TO OUR TROOP?"  I just shook my head and kept on walking.  I kept on walking because I didn't have any cash to give and I wasn't about to trust this budding carnival barker with my credit card.  I didn't say anything because I couldn't believe her audacity.  Good Lord, somebody tell these girls that beating people over the head isn't going to help their sales.
 
Worse than that are the little ones whose parents know you and they know what a soft touch you are, whether for their kids or the cookies.  I mean, come on, who can say no to a little 5 or 6 year old who screwed up the courage to come over and ask if you want some of the most delectable treats known to man.  Nobody can resist that, it's not freakin' fair! But, worst of all, are the parents who come in with the order form and corner you in the break room.  "How many boxes of cookies can I put you down for?"  Like it's some forgone conclusion that I want some cookies.  Just because I have a donut in my hand and powdered sugar on my shirt doesn't mean I'm down for cookies.  And, thinking that because I'm not all slim and svetle is stereotyping and that's wrong.  My daughters are slowly but surely aging out of things like Scouting and such where high-pressure sales tactics seem to part and parcel of fundraising.  Which is good, but it also kind of sucks.  Good because it's one less headache to deal with.  Sucks because I don't have anything to irritate the break-room thug with anymore. 

The worst part about Girl Scout cookies is that they're so good I can't eat just a couple.  Oh no, once the box is open, it's just a matter of minutes before they're all gone.  Well, it used to be minutes.  The stupid Girl Scouts changed the recipe of the greatest culinary contribution of the Western World: The Samoa.  You remember the Samoa, a ring-shaped cookie, sprinkled with coconut and drizzled with caramel and dark chocolate.  A box of the original Samoa's might make it home from wherever I picked them up, but just barely.  Now, in all their wisdom, they quit using dark chocolate and switched to namby-pamby milk chocolate.  I'll still eat them, but it's under protest.  This is a double-edged sword, however.  I'm a diabetic (type II) and the last thing I need is box of Girl Scout cookies.  I keep telling myself, if I can't have them, at least I'm not missing out perfection. 

If I sound like a jerk, be assured that I'm not.  A bit curmudgeonly, yes.  But, not a jerk.  I'm just tired of being swarmed by kids selling stuff every time I go to the friggin' store.  Oh well, it won't last much longer.  Will it?